 |
| Weeds (Photo credit: Robert Hruzek) |
During this hot dry summer, the only things that have grown well in my garden have been scrawny ugly weeds. The ground is too hard to pull them up. I cut them down and overnight they sneak in the reserves and multiple.
Over and over again.
Remember the story of Sisyphus from Greek mythology? The word “Sisyphean” means endless and unavailing task or labor. In the story Sisyphus was given the punishment to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever.
Over and over again.
Living with tension is part of being human. I guess the reality of living with unanswered questions, the paradoxes each of us face in this life and never really getting rid of the tension between right and wrong, love and hate, good and evil is like an unwelcomed houseguest who never plans to leave.
Over and over again.
Most of my adult life I thought if I worked hard enough or was good enough, this internal dilemma would be resolved. I used to think it was my entire fault. If I only tried hard enough, the tension inside of me would disappear. I remember writing in my journal once that I was so exhausted from trying so hard.
One of the greatest gifts I have learned in spiritual direction and in the past ten years of spiritual formation is that this internal struggle, like weeds or Sisyphus or unwanted houseguests is here to stay. Even the Apostle Paul wrote, “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). We are both saint and sinner.
How can we live, even befriend tension?
I attended a wonderful presentation by Wil Hernandez last Saturday. He is an expert on Henri Nouwen and featured his latest book, Henri Nouwen and Spiritual Polarities, a Life of Tension.
“All of creation – animate and inanimate – follow certain rhythmic patterns that are recognize not only to poets and artists but to practically anybody who takes the time to reflect and notice them. Just as the ocean tides ebb and flow, so does life. As the sun rises and sets, life too comes and goes…our entire journey is filled with tension form which there is no escaping.”
He said that tension creates the friction that helps move us closer to God. In our weakness we find God’s strength. Jesus is fully God and fully man. The fullness of his humanity does not detract from his deity. The fullness of his deity does not lessen his perfect humanity.
God is both far and near, beyond and within. The heavens cannot contain God and yet God dwells in the hearts of human beings.
I am thankful I am no longer resisting my humanness and welcome what living each day with incompleteness teaches me. I am gentler with myself when I fail even when I had the best intention of succeeding And I give myself permission to sit quietly with unanswered questions.
Not everything has to be black and white. Either/or. I can hold lightly in my hands and accept “both/and.”
Life just isn’t neat and tidy and will never be. And that is ok. I am beginning to live and befriend the tension.
Over and over again.
I am not sure if any of this rambling makes any sense today. I would love your input into this conversation.
