Adult Friendships

Are you lonely? I have to admit as an adult, sometimes I long for the close friendships I experienced in high school where we giggled through long phone conversations and dreamed of the future. We shared deep discussions and possibilities. We invented ideas of what to wear and how to do our hair. We spent time together. We were real together. There was a closeness that doesn’t exist today in friendships.

We do have adult friends now. Some are traveling buddies. Several are “let’s try this new restaurant with” types. In fact, looking at my October calendar I have had several morning coffee dates with good friends to share catch-up-with-each-other-moments and perhaps a few deep meaningful ones too. Yet I find it so difficult making new friends as an adult. Not just because I am lean more towards being an introvert, I think our culture makes it difficult too.

I read this article recently: “Is making friends as an adult really hard, or is it just me?” The article shares: “research notes it takes over 200 hours spent with someone to consider them a close friend. Racking up that time is much easier when you’re in the same classroom, playground, practice field, neighborhood, dorm room, or study group.”  No wonder it is hard as an adult to connect and develop friendship.

Are we just too busy to make friends as an adult?

The article’s suggestion is for us to be kids again. To intentionally be part of a group. I bet that is one reason why small groups in church settings works so well. I know the spiritual direction group I have been part of since 2006 is foundational for me – we are very close and this closeness has built up over the years. Yes YEARS!

But making friends can be hard! And scary too. Maybe I will make a fool of myself or worse, be rejected and never invited back. Is it worth the risk at my age?  Is it worth the time?  Am I worth it?

I read that friendship happens organically when we have repeated unplanned interactions and shared vulnerability. Unfortunately, as adults, we rarely experience these ingredients like we did as kids—playing at recess and schmoozing at lunch. Sure, we see our colleagues day after day, but workplaces aren’t known for fostering vulnerability.  So as adults we need to recreate this infrastructure. Perhaps through hobbies, book clubs or sports. I wonder how church/worship could recreate these types of connections.

I have been intentional in reconnecting with friends from my past this year. Visiting friends I haven’t seen for a while. Lunch with college friends. To be honest I hesitated at first. It almost seemed risky. Vulnerable to reach out once again across time and miles to say hello but once the connection was made, wow, it was great and so worth it. There is that vulnerability factor again!

I guess the best way I know right now is through one on one coffee and intimate conversations with others. Listening with another. Valuing the other. Serving another. Being present. Paying attention to the person right in front of me and maybe being surprised at discovering a friend right before my eyes!  Vulnerability and valuing the other seems to be key ingredients. Taking my mask off, taking a risk and reaching out – wow hard for this introvert but priceless in the long run.

Thanks for reading and listening today as I rambled and wondered about friendships in this quite honest and raw fashion. What do you think? Time? Vulnerability? What stops or helps you in forming and/or keeping friends?