Different Kinds of Grief

I slowly walked the labyrinth at the retreat center circling inward both physically and emotionally. I felt as if the Holy Spirit walked with me that bright June day listening to my heart, helping me unwind my emotions and untangle what was stirring within my soul.

I felt drenched with sadness. I finally named what I felt: grief. All the losses of that past year: friendships, aging, disappointments, health setbacks. The final loss took a while to surface, but I slowly articulated it: I grieved over things that were no longer the same in my life and were never again going to be like they used to be.

I learned quite a bit about grief that day. This is one reason why I took a course on grief this year. This course increased my awareness of all the different kinds of grief and loss we experience and how we as a culture we never really talk much about this topic.

My inner work and spiritual journey has been lately on a path of learning to name my emotions and to hear and acknowledge them as part of me. I name the times anxiety, fear, and uncertainty walk with me and say “I see you there and hear your concerns but also know Who I believe in.” Often they nip at my heels, but I try each day to focus on faith, not fear.

That is what made me think about grief today as I write this post. Each day we are all surrounded by these negative emotions and losses. All the different types of losses. So many of them.

We mourned the loss of friendships, jobs, loved ones, health, expectations, pets, dreams, homes, and the list goes on. Life is full of ups and downs. Full of good, wonderful events and terrible things we lose, then grieve.

Francis Weller in his book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow, groups losses into five categories he calls the Five Gates of Grief:

First Gate: Everything we love we will lose.

• Losing someone or something we love
• Loss of those who depart this Earth before us; our parents, spouse, children, friends
• Loss of home, beloved animals, places you have loved
• Loss from illness or injury; treasured skills capacities
• Loss of a life dream

Second Gate: The places that have not known love

• Places in ourselves never touched by love
• Places wrapped in shame and banished
• Places lived outside of compassion, warmth and welcome
• Parts that we hate in ourselves and hold in contempt, that we deny the healing salve of community
• Outcast portions of our soul appearing as addictions, depression, anxiety and other symptoms calling for our attention.

Third Gate: The sorrows of the world

• The losses of the world around us
• Daily diminishment of species, habitats and cultures noted in our psyches
• Sadness for the Earth (not personal but shared and communal where we experience the soul of the world

Fourth Gate: What we expected and did not receive, Things we may never realize we have lost, because we weren’t born into village with full joyous welcome of our gifts. And so we carry:

• Unconscious disappointment and feelings of loneliness and aloneness
• Diminished experience of who we truly are at the core of this grief is our longing to belong and longing to be longed for.

Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief. Unacknowledged and untended sorrow of those who came before us, born of:

• Lost connection to land, language, imagination, rituals, songs, stories of their/our ancestors
• Sense of homelessness, orphaned between old and new worlds
• Experience of woundedness, loss and abandonment, where grief and shame are intermingled, residing in the psychic history of our lineage
• Collective soul grief of abuses of millions

Certainly seeing grief expanded in this way I now understand the weight of grief and why we must share it together with one another. This is our sacred work. This is holy ground.

I am amazed it has taken me into my 70’s to learn that we live with sorrow and losses all the time. I thought life would become more certain, more comfortable, more predictable. But I am slowly hearing the music of both certainty and uncertainty, seeing radiant colors dance between the friction of the known and unknown and learning to trust the One who leads and holds me as I walk through the fog of sorrow and joy at the same time.

Rumi wrote, “Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.” Grief comes with love. It is part of the package. I am willing to take that risk.

As you walk through life what are you learning?