Friends light my way. Way is my word of the year and I have been pondering how to best live this word, how to learn from this word in all its various meanings, and what helps me find its deeper kernels of wisdom.
The news has been carrying articles about how lonely we are as a nation and what is called the loneliness epidemic. In May 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General issued a report that drew attention to an epidemic that affects 1 out of 2 American adults. Half of us are lonely.
Loneliness and social isolation are urgent public health concerns, more widespread than smoking, diabetes or anxiety. It also turns out that loneliness poses severe risks to health and longevity.
Not a healthy or happy way to live, is it? But I learned a new word this past week that may help:
Stammtisch.
Stammtisch comes from Germany and refers to a recurring, standing gathering that happens at the same time and place regardless of who attends. This way of living acknowledges as adults we are busy and often fragmented, but friendship is valuable and life-giving.
Friends, either one or two or a group, set up a regular meeting time and place – takes away the pressure of trying to coordinate calendars. There’s zero pressure to RSVP, no explanations required if you can’t make it. Over time, the repetition itself builds connection, familiarity, and ease without requiring emotional or logistical heavy lifting.
One of my small groups who all met up years ago at our Weight Watcher meetings continue to meet over coffee and just be with one another. One of them commented that she loves our gathering since there is not obligations, she doesn’t have to plan what to say or read or do, and we can just be together for connection.
Think about the image of the word friendship. The etiology of this word comes from Old English combining obviously the two words – friend and ship. Friendship is the deep, close, trusting relationship between people traveling together on the same journey, on the same ship.
Stammtisch means the regular “docking” of a ship of friends.
I read this article recently: “Is making friends as an adult really hard, or is it just me?” The article shares: “research notes it takes over 200 hours spent with someone to consider them a close friend. Racking up that time is much easier when you’re in the same classroom, playground, practice field, neighborhood, dorm room, or study group.” No wonder it is hard as an adult to connect and develop friendship. We have to be more intentional.
Unfortunately, as adults, we rarely experience these ingredients like we did as kids—playing at recess and schmoozing at lunch. Sure, we see our colleagues day after day, but workplaces aren’t known for fostering vulnerability. So as adults we need to recreate this infrastructure. Perhaps through hobbies, book clubs or sports. I wonder how church/worship could recreate these types of connections.
I have been intentional in reconnecting with friends this year. Some friends I meet for coffee or lunch, one on one. Several of us meet as group. Before pondering friendship this past week, I never realized how this practice is healthy mentally and emotionally for my soul and gives me life. My heart overflows with gratitude for this way, and I am thankful that God created community to help us survive the rough spots, thrive in the good times by helping others, and arrive alive in celebration of our joys.
In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. Albert Schweitzer
I am thankful for friends who rekindle my soul. What about you? Are you intentional about friendship?
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