What We Get Wrong About Courage

What do we get wrong about courage? I have been exploring the concept of courage all this year as it is my word of the year. Recently I listened to the wonderful podcast, Hidden Brain, and its host Shankar Vedantam spoke the phrase “what we get wrong about courage” on the episode about radical kindness. Of course, my curiosity perked up!

What we get wrong about courage is this: We think people who demonstrate courage have little or no fear. Somehow they have learned to overcome fear or manage that emotion. They are superheroes, selfless, extreme and beyond our imagination.

But that is not true. When “heroes” are interviewed after an event, often they say they acted without thinking. They just did what anyone else would have done for another human being or how they were trained.

Externally, acts of courage don’t show us how the person is feeling on the inside and most of the time, internally fear is a very much part of the picture. On the Hidden Brain episode, the researcher shared the story that she interviewed kidney donors who also had phobias with the many blood draws they would have to go through. They would be very frightened of needles. But they cared much more about the welfare of the person whose life they would be saving than they cared about their own discomfort or fear in the moment so that made all the difference and provided the courage to help.

“If you really do want to help somebody, it’s normal to feel afraid. When you know that there’s a risk that you might be injured or that you might experience pain or discomfort, um, and truly heroic people act in the face of that feeling and despite that feeling.”

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

The insight I have learned about courage is this: fear is still there but fear grows smaller in light of seeing the larger/grander picture. Doing the right thing, the most loving act of kindness, cultivates courage. And the more we nurture these acts, the more courage grows.

Over the years I have learned a lot about living with my internal fears and anxieties. I am doing an interesting reflection right now: rereading old journals. In reviewing the ones from the 1980’s I am amazed how I resisted my emotions and argued with my own fears and failures. Too often I let anxiety win the day.

Yes I still battle emotions today but have made peace with my emotions now and know they are part of my being. I like the image, that fear will be with me, riding along in the car but I no longer allow her to drive the car. As Jon Acuff is known to say, fear makes a terrible CEO. Acknowledging yet managing fear and the other more negative emotions gives space for courage to grow.

I am learning courage and fear co-exist in the same garden but the fruit of courage certainly tastes sweeter!

What do you get wrong about courage?