Friends came over this weekend. We all traveled together this summer on a New England/Canada cruise and we organized this evening for sharing photos and enjoying memories of our good times.
My husband brought his digital movie camera on the trip and made DVDs for each family. We decided to watch the movie all together reliving the joy we experienced as a group.
But something I saw on the video shocked me. I saw myself.
There I was – twenty pounds heavier than last year. Every time I was in a shot I thought the quarter size “brown spot” on the side of my face grew as large as a watermelon. And watching my non-verbals – how awful I looked as I nodded, listening to the travel guide. I wanted to shout to that strange woman on the screen: “Your mouth is wide open, Jeanie, close it. You look so stupid.”
My stomach tightened into a ball of embarrassment. But nobody else said a thing. Didn’t they notice how ugly I was in the movie? Maybe they were just being nice.
Then to make thing worse, Monday morning I sent out a devotional to my writer friends. I love sharing these sacred insights with this wonderful group and thought I created a unique story told from the perspective of Noah’s’ wife. I wrote, edited and reread the one page story 5-6 times, then sent it sailing through cyber space.
Only it had a glaring mistake. Instead of having Noah’s wife shuddered when seeing the slimy snakes, I misspelled snakes. She shuddered when seeing slimy snacks.
Yes I laughed – you have to be able to laugh at yourself. Yet deep inside, I was once again disappointed in myself.
What do you do when confronted with reality about yourself? What lesson is God trying to show me?
I find it interesting to “watch” this reaction inside of myself – like I am too good to let others know I am not perfect? I can’t let down the mask and just be myself? Just accept myself? These are all things I will be adding to my journal and prayers to ponder over the next few weeks.
Too often we ignore these negative feelings instead of lifting them up into God’s hand. He will show us lessons in all the emotions of life if we just listen to his wisdom. We just need to trust him.
Joyce Rupp is one of my favorite spiritual writers. The following prayer touches my heart after these self revealing experiences this week:
Searching for Oneself
Good Shepherd, who finds the lost one, the “me” I have known has disappeared.
Will I ever recover the person I have been? Will I ever find and feel good about myself again? Will I discover who I am and who I am becoming?
Protect me in this great vulnerability. Assure me that I will come home to myself, even though ‘my self” may be different.
Silence my impatience. Calm my worry, Restore my joy. Solace my distress. Help me to befriend my new self with tender hope and welcoming love.
(Joyce Rupp in Out of the Ordinary)
Have you ever experienced “seeing yourself in the raw” like this? What lessons did you learn?
Good morning to you Jeanie! I found your post on twitter this morning. Well,the previous and I’m enjoying the read so far.
Is enjoying the right word? Sounds like I’m making fun, but boy oh boy…that is not the case. In enjoying this and connecting to your emotions, the very fact that I can relate and am not alone is sooo comforting. And I love your writing style and honesty!
I am still trying to understand what has happened to my *woman-ness*, and how I feel about the way that these changes relate to this time in my life. My 50’s.
Even though I belive that our God loves us as we are, I understand that we are given the tools to take care of our bodies..and the real evil in this world(as it realtes to food/weight.. is our addiction to gluttony. Or really good comfort foods, thank you Food Network! LOL
Is this the apple in the Garden syndrome? (if only an apple was the problem)
I’m so happy that I found your blog…and a connection to a lovely spriritual woman.
Like everyone else who commented here, I can so relate. I do not like pictures of myself and felt like such a frump at my son’s wedding in August. Thank goodness, he didn’t seem to notice! God bless.
At least you have nice enough friends not to notice these things. I’m that guy that everything goes my way, I’m successful with what I do, I get all A’s in college, etc… It seems as if my friends want to gossip about me every chance they get, when in reality, I don’t care if they aren’t even going to college, if they aren’t successful. I just want to be their friends. How do you take these negatives to God and understand what to do with them? Great blog, btw!
http://web.me.com/unruhmarty
Pastor Joelle, you have a great point about the photos for the next generation. wise words.
I have been amazed how this issue touches so many people, especially women
Couple of things – like I said on twitter – we broadcast our services on public access channel and I can’t watch myself – I’m not good at off the cuff and so during announcements there are lots of “ums” and that drives me crazy
About photos – When my husband was alive I took all the pictures and didn’t like pictures of myself. But when he died and we saw all the pictures of him and so little of me I thought how sad it would have been for him and the kids if I were the one who died. They didn’t care if I was fat! Now I still take lots of pictures of kids but always make sure someone takes one of me.
By leaving comments and sharing in my misery, you all have made me feel so much better. I even got emails today from readers who identified with this feeling. Why are we so hard on ourselves?
Why do you think I have a yahoo avatar instead of a photo of the genuine me????
Oh, Jeanie, I love you, your honesty, your authenticity, and your slimy snacks!
[had to repost because I had a typo — perfect, right?]
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Love this, Jeanie! You KNOW I struggle with this … it’s the basis of my whole stinkin’ platform! ;0) It’s so freeing when we admit it, though. I may still struggle with my imperfection, but there’s such freedom in “Coming Clean” to others! ;0)
Love ya! And I think you’re beautiful!
Jeanie, I hate pictures of me. I relate “totally.” The Lord must laugh at us, like we do middle schoolers who think they never look right.
Thank the Lord for His mercy.
I’m the same way, Jeanie! Guess we have more in common than we realized. A few weeks ago I stood before my church and shared my testimony. They later placed the video of it on their website. I couldn’t bear to watch it! UGH!
I think we’re just hard on ourselves. At least I know I am. Thank God the Lord looks inside…at our hearts. I guess we should do that for ourselves, huh?
P.S. Love the silly mistake you made on the devo. Thanks for the chuckle! 🙂
Oh my dear Jeanie, How Irelate to this post., ALL OF IT , but particularly the “seeing yourself on film” part. We will never be what we once were, but we can be better inside and I know you are! Good thought about taking negatives to God. Thanks again and again. Clella