Can you imagine walking uphill and into the wind? Think about the determination, the pain and fatigue, unable to see the final destination. The persistence of plodding one step at a time, one after another, bogged down with thick mud or snowdrifts. Straining with each labored breath. Icy cold driving rain pummeling your face.
I dreamed that scene last week. I rarely remember my dreams so when an image not only lingers in such detail but echoes in my soul with such a thundering boom, I notice. Doesn’t take a genius to pay attention when God is trying to show me something.
I tried to find just the right photo to capture this uphill and into the wind image. I wanted to paste it into my journal. Show it here to you. The illusive perfect illustration hasn’t surface yet but still lives vividly in my mind.
I am being vulnerable today, sharing this experience, baring my soul.
In my morning prayer time lately, Jesus has been sitting across from me, listening, watching, waiting for me. I tell him about this strange dream. How I still feel its impact in my muscles and bones. How its force clings to my heart.
He gently asks me to describe my feelings.
- Fatigue.
- Life is hard.
- Never-ending.
I smile realizing how true this describes my soul at this time. Perhaps from 2020. Maybe from the fact I am juggling many balls right now. (to be honest, too many!) Knowing as an Enneagram three, failure is devastating, and I don’t want to fail.
No words. No burning bush. No grand moment of transfiguration. I just knew Jesus’ response.
I am with you.
In times of peace and comfort I am by your side.
In dark threatening storms and confusing doubt, I won’t leave you.
My job is to be faithful. To keep my eyes on Jesus and show up. Day after day. Step after step. Making the next best to my ability move. Trust even as I struggle uphill and into the wind.
I am memorizing Thomas Merton’s prayer of discernment this year. Its words reassure me as I ponder this dream.
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
So I share my heart with you all today as I ramble and unpack this lesson. I am hearing God’s invitation to sit with the difficult and unclear where before I ignored or rushed to fix. God is good to send us on this human journey and accompany us as his children.
God walks with us, even uphill and in the wind.
How is it with your soul lately?
uphill but hopeful, Jean.
that keeps me looking at Him. and that’s what He’s wanted all along …
I appreciate you sharing this with us, Jean. I often remember my dreams, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. ha. They can be quite distressing at times. This past year I’ve started having recurring dreams that I’m out somewhere with a crowd of people and suddenly remember that none of us are masked.
I’m thankful that Jesus is with us when we’re troubled just as much as he’s with us when we’re rested and at peace.
Dream can be distressing at times but give us glimpses into what is happening deep inside. I think they give us words or images to at least name what we are feeling then we can move on or stay whichever we are invited to do. Clarity and discernment i guess.
Thank you Jean for putting into such beautiful words and imagery what so many of us are feeling. You spoke to my heart.
Thank you for your kind words, Laurie.
Oh that’s a glorious prayer! When the likes of theologian and mystic Thomas Merton admits to doubts and hesitancy, I am greatly encouraged that my own are not misplaced. In fact, the best place to take them is to our Heavenly Father, just as Merton demonstrates for us here. Thank you for sharing your own struggles, Jean, and this powerful prayer.
i love that prayer too and one I am slowly tucking into my heart. I say it each morning. I am not a good memorizer so it will take me quite awhile to remember the whole thing without checking but certainly makes the words get deep roots for me
While reading this I felt as if I wanted to hug you especially as I myself struggle with a lot of issues related to health and daily life as I am paralysed. At the same time, your sharing is very profound and I dare say evangelising in the way of how without knowing Jesus upholds us in our struggles. It also made me remember of the poem footsteps and the notion that when we on an uphill we don’t see or feel Jesus because he would be actually behind us supporting us not to fall back. 🙂 God bless you
The footstep poem is perfect for this image too. I would love to hug you too in your challenges. Spiritual hug between us!
Oh, Jean, your post here so touched my heart today! Uphill and into the wind is a struggle all of us face from time to time. Knowing God is with us every step of the way makes it bearable. Blessings, my friend!
That dream still is vivid in my mind but you are so right. God is with us every step on the way,